For those of you who have been following “Life Changes…Keep Laughing”, the whole concept started with recounting funny stories about my mother. Affectionately known as “Grandma G,” the “G” is short for “Gone Wild.” My Mom is crazy! Says anything to anyone, means it and there is no turning or taking it back. The grey hair, slower walk, aches and pains have not hindered her quick wit- her mouth and brain work just fine, thank you.
By now, you may have concluded that most topics in this blog revolve around sex. Can’t help that. It’s just life. Come on now that’s how we all got here. Some years ago, we decided to take a family vacation to Cancun. “Sunshine,” my daughter, was around 12 and my son, “The Boy” he would have been three years-old. The four us spent two wonderful weeks playing in the sand, lounging by the pool, climbing the pyramids at Chichen Itza, watching Grandma pick-up two guys in the front lobby of the hotel and manage the amount of “PDA” that took place pool-side.
The drama started two days after we arrived, I couldn’t find “Grandma G.” We looked all over the hotel, in the room, the restaurants, by the beach, the bathrooms you name it. Came back inside and there she was all smiles, not a care in the world, chatting up two very nice looking men who were younger than her. Slide into home plate…”Grandma G” was a “Cougar.” Me, like a fool, goes over and demands to know, “Mom where have you been. Do you know how long we’ve been looking for you?” She looked at me with disdain and her reply, classic to say the least, “Don’t you see I’m fine. Now get away. I don’t need you!” One man piped in and seemed to be a little too happy, responded with, “Yeah, your Mom is fun. We are having a good time talking to her. You can leave now.”
Images, thoughts and contorted bodies jammed my already fragile mind…hmm one mother plus two men – do the math. What’s a group of three called? This was sick! Unbelievable! I stared each one in their bold and daring faces, turned and left. Never looked back, asked any further questions nor did I look for her again. Yeah, I learned my lesson.
And so did, the couple displaying excessive amounts of “PDA” pool-side. Unfortunately, “The Couple” was about two feet from us. The predicament was Mom’s grandchildren were forced to watch this sexual exchange. That’s what set “Grandma G” off to the power of 10. Give “The Couple” the benefit of the doubt. They were on a romantic vacation in a tropical destination. But the woman was all over her man – hands here, there and everywhere. He tried to keep it down…if you know what I mean. But, the guy is only human. Finally, after a sun filled heated 20 minute romp balancing act on two folding lounge chairs they made an executive decision to finish what they started in their room.
And, “Grandma G” decided to follow and haul me along. Waiving her index finger in the air, “Get up,” she demanded, “Come with me.” Reluctantly, I got up. What choice did I have, she is my mother. I still have to listen, obey and back her up –even though we know she can fight. “The Couple” walked up the stone pathway hugging and kissing. Guess ya gotta keep the flame lit. And, “G” she complained right behind them. If they weren’t so engrossed and dripping in saliva, then they would have heard her. Over and over complaining, “Look at them, they’re nasty behaving like that. Look from when they should have gone to their room. They know what they are doing!” I just prayed that there wouldn’t be a fight. From experience, Mom would have beaten one of them.
I think the boyfriend perceived trouble when he opened the door and my mother scowled at him. Plus she was on his heels like a bounty hunter. All four of us are now standing in front of the elevator, which didn’t come right away…“Grandma G” was given time – not a good thing. And the girlfriend stood by her man ready to give a “Happy Ending.” Well, that was the last sexual move she would publicly make.
There was no profanity, expletives or blasphemy but Mom certainly made sure that the “Man of Great Measure” diminished. Again, Mom’s finger went into the air and then pointed directly at the man’s private parts- the beast was unleashed and ready to escape. Sorry ladies and gentleman, I saw it with my own two eyes. She gave them a lesson in manners, etiquette and social decorum. “Look at your cocky. It’s too big for you to behave like that in front of children.” Turns to the girlfriend, “And, you. What kind of woman are you? You like that “P$%*S” way too much. Control yourselves.” The silly girlfriend turns to confront my Mom. I panicked, “Oh God it’s gonna go down.” “Grandma G” ain’t backing down…what from a good fight – no way not her. She stepped up her game and walked towards the girlfriend like give it your best shot honey!
I’m standing there like a deer in headlights. Finally, God spoke to the boyfriend, he turned to his woman and pleaded, “Don’t say anything to her. Just be quiet.” The girlfriend backed-off, but “Grandma G,” she wasn’t mov’in. My girl was ready for a fight like Ali, Tyson or Fraser! “I am sorry, Mam for what happened. I apologize.” With that said, “G” replied, “Ok, I accept your apology. Don’t behave like that again. Go to your room.”
Needless to say, all actions of “PDA” were halted. For the rest of the week, “The Couple” sat in their lounge chairs like good little boys and girls, under “G’s” watchful eyes.