The “Sex Book” was shelved and off the market. The problem…it was still a “Hot topic.” Inquiring minds want to know!
To my dismay, “Sunshine” was now a graduate of the “Sex Book” recess or lunch time symposiums on the playground of “ABC Public School.” In these booked to capacity workshops be it on the spinning carousel, jungle gyms or the lush green soccer field “Jane,” the seven year-old facilitator, schooled the children on various sexual positions with homemade diagrams depicting male and female body parts and items used during the act of making love. Thank God Microsoft Publisher was not available in those days.
As a parent, this book was my living nightmare. My little bit of “Sunshine” was naïve, simple and confused – I was happy. When “Jane” entered into our lives…so did confusion. You remember, my daughter thought she had balls…arrg. Now “Houston,” we have another problem – items used during the act of love-making.
I know your mind went “Light years” into the battery operated hemisphere…yeah I can understand that. Visions of strawberry flavored lubricants danced in your head, illusions of soft pink handcuffs put fuzzes in your mind, or you were overcome with the fantasy of white silk scarves for the “Ye Olde” tied to the ornate wooden bed post trick. This might be a stretch, but I’m sure “Jane’s” mom had the aforementioned. After all, her child did have enough material to write a book!
The problem here was in the form of a square package. Possibly black, silver or gold shiny wrapper with discrete wording and well-defined instructions. The trail of innuendos leads us to a box full of…CONDOMS!
Bedtime around our house seemed to be when questions or concerns for life’s issues were revealed or exploded. Same Bat time, same Bat channel. Why? I don’t know. Clearly, “Sunshine” had taken the entire day to think through all of her questions and was ready to broach the subject “Head on”– sorry that was an easy shot. The clock struck 7:30 pm and I was putting the laundry away in the bedroom. Given the last few weeks, I should have known to be astute, keen, or developed a perspicacious nature. But no. Maybe, I liked being naïve…hmm?
“Sunshine” comes in the room, you know the story cute pj’s on and brown curly hair in a ponytail, with a bit of a demanding tone, “Mom, what’s a condom?” Without blinking, batting an eye, showing any signs of heart arrhythmia or premature ventricular contractions, I turned around and ever so quickly replied, “No honey you’re saying it wrong. It’s “CONDO.” It’s a place in Florida for old people.”
Yup, I lied and real quick too. WTH…was I supposed to do. Do you understand how much explaining I would have had to do, Lucy? The male body parts, the functioning of such, putting on the “Glove”, taking off the “Glove,” the excretions and the blah blah blah. No hard facts. No way. Not tonight. Not ever.
“Sunshine’s” right eyebrow was raised just a little bit, forehead crinkled, her soft pink lips twisted slightly. Honestly, she didn’t believe me. And right there, I knew she saw the property, oh yeah. The square shiny packaging and not the ocean front complex with the pool. But, I didn’t care. This was about saving me…and looking after her own good.
These “Life Changes” moments will continue.
Next time…a story about “The Boy.”